:: Guilt::

::Lihatla mata dia yang sayu. Sorry sayang::

I have not been a good mom recently. I have been good to one but the other neglected. It makes me feel sad. I try my best to reason out my time accordingly. But she feels hurt each time i turn my back to see to her lil sister when its on her time with me. How yaya teach mommy yaya. Mommy x tahu how.

Sarah Daania use to have wide round open eyes. Always fill with that glow of joy. Now i seldom see it. My mom made me realise. Yes she always has her sad eyes now. She cries in her sleep. And when i hug her she calms down. In her sleep she feels sad.I dont scold her that much. But when she is naughty she has to be thought. we pampered her too much jan?? 

sometimes she talks and i dont listen. Is not i dont listen my attention is on something else. She seem to try to get my attention when i am with the baby, on the phone, doing something important. When i am doing nothing and talking to her, she has very little respond. My mom says she just want to see if i do give in to her when i am doing things.

What make me blog this down today is ,i was emailing and she came out to show me the trick she learned with her hand helli  Atuk bought for her.I could hear the excitement in her voice " mama mama come i teach u. see i can do this." but my eyes were glued to the laptop as this email is to send out to a customer of my husband. After showing me and i was not paying attention she walk in the house in a hurry. Thats when i realise..i have been always doing that to her.

I call her out." yaya show la mama yaya. mama x tahu buat". And i saw the glow." like this mother"..i played with her kejap.

I realise sometimes i ask he to shut up when she talks to much and i get a headache, ask he to stop talking kejap. Sometimes when i threaten to 'rotan her' when she does something naught she will say " Why mommy i love you tau" . and i hug her..and regret.She is only 3 Maria.I really regret but is no use. Thats why people say do something without regrets. Cause regrets will kill, taunt and haunt u down forever. U feel the guiltiness forever.No matter what i do now is not going to make amends for what i did in the past.My mom said :: there is nothing u can do to change the past, so start living and improving for today and the future::

Its true. the past is past..leave it and move on.Do not always hold on the past. You will never make progress and ur life can turn a negative altitude. I dont want to make cover my fault by saying but she is naughty, sometimes she needs to be though. NO its my fault not hers. I did not play my part well.

Sarah Daania, mommy will try my best to make up to you. However pun mommy loves you. Mommy still hug and kiss  u. DOnt hate mommy sayang. Mommy cannot ever hate u no matter what you do mommy cant never stop loving you. But you can stop loving mommy when u get bigger. sooner or later u will leave me behind. Sorry mommy x take this chance with you seriusly......

ps:: sometimes i think how Idris feel. Dia macam xde perasaan je...marah sarah and thats it..